Jealousy in trying for #2

Jealousy in Trying for #2

Babies. Babies. Babies. It's that time of year again. It seems like everyone is giving birth to baby number two...and in some cases number 3. How do I know? It's all over Facebook. With 700+ friends I've collected over the years, its easy to follow along and see where everyone is at in their life.

When everyone graduated college at the time you're "supposed to" I saw them all with their cap and gowns on Facebook. When everyone got engaged it was all over Facebook. Wedding day...Facebook. Pregnancy updates...Facebook. The birth of the baby #1..Facebook.

You would think I'd be used to it, but it never seems to go away...jealously. One of life's big lessons. Not everyone gets to check off their life events the way they thought they would growing up.

I wasn't able to go and graduate from college until I was an adult. But at least I did it, right?! Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty damn proud (pardon my language). Just last year to be exact. The second person on both sides on family in two generations. But not having done it "when you're supposed to" caused me to experience it differently. Not like most people.

Engagement? Yup, I was lucky enough to have a beautiful "Bachelorette-style" engagement in Mexico. However, it lasted a whole 3 days before my shot gun wedding. Yup. We got pregnant first...which has pretty much killed any hope of having my white dress day. So, I didn't get that "bride" experience that so many of my peers get.

Even though I haven't and will never have that experience...I'm sorry but renewals are just not the same...I wouldn't have it any other way if it meant I wouldn't have my daughter, Eva.

Being a woman with PCOS, the gift of  becoming a mother is one of the most precious things in life. If you ask me, giving birth and become a parent is the meaning of life itself, but I digress...

I've been telling myself for the last 2.5 years that my heart of full and satisfied and if I'm never able to have another child I'm just fine...because I have my Eva. She's beautiful, funny, caring and (right now at least) my little shadow. There isn't much we don't do together.

Until right now I really believed that. I really thought trying again and being unsuccessful wouldn't phase me. That giving birth to my own flesh and blood had fullfilled that burning, innate desire of mine. I was wrong.

With my first pregnancy I had been on Metformin for just over a year when I got pregnant with Eva. We weren't trying hard. Just pulled the goalie and had me taking my meds. We really let God tell us when it was time.

So, why is it so hard this time? All those insecurities and worries of not getting pregnant are flooding back. Why can't I just be happy for everyone else and content with my life? Even without having those big life moments I am very blessed and better off than many people in my town, in my country...in the world. Why do I have to feel this way? Why am I jealous?

I'm a simple woman. I don't have a huge list of "wants" or "needs". Look at my closet. The only new clothes I get are hand-me-downs from my sister-in-law who loves to shop. I don't shop. I don't have retail credit cards. I don't even have an iPod for music. Why pay for it when I can listen to iHeart Radio for free?

Even with make-up I haven't replenished my  Bare Essentials I bought in '09 except for my cheap Cover Girl mascara. Jewelry? I don't really wear it. Just my engagement ring, some ring I pass off as my wedding band just so my over sized ring doesn't fall off my finger and the same stud earrings that were used to re-pierce my ears back in high school when one of my holes closed up from not wearing anything too long.

So, why can't I feel this content as a mother? Why do I have to feel like I'm missing out again?

Every time I start to feel that way again I hear God whisper in my ear , "Look around. Your life is full. You are a SAHM...despite me declaring before kids I did NOT want to be one. Beautiful house. Loving and loyal husband. Don't worry." and I feel better.

But still it returns. Jealousy. It's so nasty. One of the first emotions we learn as a child and yet the hardest to overcome.

Here we go again

Now we're trying for #2. Nine unsuccessful months so far. We tried 8 of them without any help from my doctors. This month I started my first cycle of Clomid. God was telling me to go see my doctor. It's funny how He does that. A little whisper in you ear. That's all it is but it can be so important. When I showed up for my appointment I was at the exact day in my cycle that I should have been to start taking the meds.

Within a week's time I was taking my meds, had my 2-day window the doc told us to "make a deposit"...that's our phrase for "making the magic"...and had my follow-up to confirm I was ovulating. Yup. Either ovulating during my office visit or just slightly after. Pretty crazy.

Now, we're playing the waiting game. It's been 38 days since my last period. Sunday we returned from vacation and I took a pregnancy test. Negative.

I spotted over vaca and have spotted this week. I just don't know what is going on in my body. Tuesday I have an appointment for blood work and ultrasound. So now we wait and pray.